Hopes & Dreams - At a heart beat

I have been going through my blog. Reading all the posts that i have created. Reading it through and through. Over and over again. Something is missing. But i cant seem to find what. It seems as though all my writings are still somewhat at a mediocre level. I have all this thoughts in my head every time i try to write. But as often enough, it often comes out rather poorly as to what was initially in my mind.

I guess i still need to learn more on what it takes to really be a good writer. To really put those thoughts into writings. However difficult it has been thus far when ever so often i suffer from writer block and always ended up writing simplistically.

To be frank, it seems that my mind is far more complicated that what i have tried to prove in my postings. As i think that some of you may realized. My writings are somewhat unstructured. Frequently enough that i try to prove a point, but always resulted in getting lost along the way.

I have been bombarded with work lately because i am about to leave soon. Having all the technical documents and project managements documents to be written up and passed to my bosses. Prepare all the work hand-overs for the guy supposedly to replace me. I wonder how the new guy will think of my works so far.

Next week will be my last week here. I have been eager to leave ever since i got the new job offer, but recently i keep thinking back that without a doubt, i will be missing this place. The people here is great.

A couple of days ago, my colleagues brought me to a karaoke club at Imbi Plaza, the News KTV. We were celebrating a farewell party. It was my farewell party. Supposedly yesterday was to be my last day here at my company, but my leave application wasn't approved as i have lots of work still yet to finish. Bummer. Anyways, i realize, that here, i have friends. And without a doubt. I will be missing them. I guess its typical enough to state that i am leaving because i hate my boss. But then again who - in this fast paced corporate world doesn't hate their boss? I've actually gotten used to my boss, but the more reason of me leaving is to take that one step further up the ladder, else my career would be stuck here and frozen through time. All my skills and potential would have gone to waste over the years.

Anyways, I love them. They have ways that touched me. And touched my heart they did. (Thanks Wai San for the cake. Thanks guys for the karaoke and the mug). I had a wonderful time.

I am currently listening to One Republic - Apologize music on the Windows Music Player on my local desktop. I love the melody. I love the sound. I love the music.

As i sit in my office cubicle, bored, somewhat i see, as everyone in the office is currently busy with their work. Everyone has a dream. Everyone wants to be the best they can. And apparently everyone wants the best out of their lives. Including me.

What will it take to be the best?


How far have i seen into my dreams that it makes me want to reach out my hands into the heavens. I recall and i hold dearly a word of someone, saying that i will be great. One day, i will be great. But will i? I often doubt myself on how far does one mere human such as myself get to reach. I doubt. Its because i am human.

The greatness and perfection one seeks differs from one individual to another. But the base of all this is to find real happiness. The feeling of content in ones life. To find true peace in ones soul. Am i contented? Am i at peace? Am i happy?

So, according to my favorite blog that i recently added, Happiness Project, I believe that i am happy. I am happy.

Before this, i have been looking to far ahead of myself that i often miss of what is in front of me.
I often neglect those who are around me. I often missed the chances to really cherish the moments given to me. But i guess, all those have changed.

For the first time in my life, i can see, and i can feel. And i think i know i owe this to someone very special to me. You've shown me the way, but as it goes, its me that have to walk this path.

I still recall the day i met you, i once said, that i have lost myself. And by finding you, i found myself. Thank you.

Yet, i am still afraid.

I am afraid that as far i see myself going, i am scared that its going to be lonely at the peak. I am scared of being alone. I keep fearing that whats the point of all this success and wealth if in the end, i don't have anyone to share it with.

I keep thinking of my family ever so often now. Almost every day as i get into the office very early in the morning, i would give them a call. Just for chats, but deep down i know. That i am actually missing them, that this has something to do with my fear, that as i go further to reach the top, i don't want to lose them, and that i don't want to lose those dear to me.

But i guess, thats just a fools wish. Nothing lasts forever. One day, all this will be gone. As my dad often says to me, that one day, he too will disappear from this earth. Everyone is getting older. He is too.... all of us are too.

I am afraid that i lack the conviction. Wisdom bares no fruits if there is no courage. And i think that i have been going through a drought period long enough.

I realize that my weakness is focus. I find if difficult to keep a steady proceedings when reaching towards my goal. Yes, and also i lack conviction. The conviction which releases the mind from doubt and fear. To be able to walk through fire without fear of the pains to be inflicted. The greatness of the mind when you believe. And its greater still when you have someone believing in you.

Psycho much!

Anyways. As i was saying. I am going to miss this place. I am only leaving this place to go to a new office which is rather near by, but it still feels like i'm going off a far more distance then that of what can be seen.

With all the craziness going around this world today. It makes me wonder what the future holds for all of us. How will it be? I cant foresee nor predict the future. So, I guess, we'll just have to be brave and take that one step ahead into the future and have to experience it for ourselves. Be it good or bad, bare with it and make the best out of it.


Some may ask now, what is my point really with this entry. To tell you the truth, there is no point. Just an understanding of what is :)


Cheers,